Suffocate in silence
Throughout my life, starting from my childhood and going into adulthood, I went through most things in silence. I don’t know if it was a first-daughter thing, or maybe it was because I never felt safe enough to talk about things with anyone.
Life had always felt weird to me; I just never fully understood it, and it made me feel lost. I felt so out of place, like a puzzle piece that couldn’t quite fit. My thoughts were so painfully crippling that, at one point, I thought I was losing my mind or maybe I did. I guess I tried to ask for help but I was dismissed, maybe because I was too young to be going through things, which was why I wasn't taken seriously.
My 7-year-old self would watch my siblings go to sleep peacefully at night, while I spiraled out of control, worrying about things I couldn’t control. It made me physically sick to my stomach. And somehow, no one realised what was going on. I guess I looked perfectly fine on the outside, but internally, I felt like I was crumbling apart; I could barely hold myself together.
I would have thoughts and questions a 7-year-old shouldn’t have, and I spiraled into depression. I suffocated in misery and silence. Because I was severely sleep-deprived, I could barely concentrate in school, and nothing made sense in class. I was constantly zoned out and distracted. That was why my grades went downhill, and my teachers would complain about my poor performance and how slow I was.
My parents were not having it. They would scold and yell at me in front of my siblings, hoping it would help straighten out my grades, but it did the opposite. I gave up on myself. What hurt the most was that all they saw were my grades and performance in school and not me, Aisha, their first child. That was how I learned to fix my problems and find solutions, painfully alone and in silence.
I'm better too, thank you so much🥹💞